A few weeks ago, I found myself listening to one phone call after another about the myriad of conflicts inside several organizations and in some of the one-on-one coaching work that I do. It was the fourth call in a week asking for help to resolve what I would refer to as long-standing conflict.
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I have always tried to be tender with my consulting clients and coachees, explaining things to them in increments so they have time to absorb the information and make strategic choices for their organizations.
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This time as the calls came in, I found myself laying out a deeper truth, confronting the passive-aggressive culture that seems to thrive inside the people in nonprofit organizations. This passive approach to dealing with conflict has roots in white supremacy culture and colonial success models and is embodied by professionals of all cultural and racial backgrounds.
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This mindset sounds like,

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This creates a pressure cooker of unresolved emotions and encourages illness and unhealthy habits inside the people of our organization. Many nonprofit organizations already have unrealistic mission statements and performance models, amplifying already conflicted work relationships.
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Ultimately even if staff speak up, often it’s the case that staff are waiting for the “right moment” which never comes. As time passes the information gets sanitized so much that it's not even clear what we were arguing about in the first place. The lack of resolution creates a real fear to give and receive meaningful feedback that moves the team or organization forward.
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A combination of conflicts at the personal system and organizational level can create a specific culture of impossibility. We look at the other person and say, I can’t find a way through.

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​Back to those phone calls.
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So what have I been doing now that I am getting those phone calls? I’ve been asking direct questions like “what’s your role in this?” and “what’s taken the organization so long to act?”
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I was able to begin asking directive and rooted questions without losing myself in the story. But how?
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My time working on my ancestral history and resolving the roots of my health issues with the help of indigenous herbalists has helped me clear some things up about my own issues navigating conflict. I hope these insights will help you:
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If you are deeply physically, spiritually sick and heartbroken, it can be hard to look at yourself clearly in a conflict.

To be in healthy conflict with others that actually moves forward, you have to develop deep roots inside your body. Your organs must be relaxed and aligned to receive and discern the conflicted experience so that you can be in a receiving posture. In particular, your digestive and circulatory systems need to have repeated care. In order to care for your health, you have to discover the history of your biological family lineage. Do you know your family stories, spiritual purpose, your health issues and the healthy issues of your grandparents? Where are the patterns? How are they playing out in you? When you have more information about your current state of being you can practice repeatedly rooting down with nature and face just about any situation in ways that are true to your identity and values.
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Many of our conflict patterns are ancestral.

We often repeat conflicts at work that haunt us in our personal and family life. Unresolved conflicts with biological family members, whether you were raised with them or not, are repeated over and over again in all aspects of life. We relive the archetypes we are playing out and amplify the stories with others, until we decide to break those archetypal performances and familial loyalties and take a new path.
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Conflict is not about being right. Conflict is about being in community.

Conflict is about finding a third way to resolve the problem, a way through the conflict because we believe our fixed position is not as valuable as our interdependence. Our interdependence is necessary to be in a community of care. I’m not talking about being friends, going for happy hour or even the hierarchy of organizational models. I am talking about the depth of relationship we have to hold as a community to do the work of building a new, inclusive society. When we can see this road, we can accomplish so much.
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Resolving conflict anywhere requires us to believe in love.

When you accept being helped, loved and seeing others as valued beings, you can resolve situations and circumstances. First you have to believe that you deserve love and care. If you are someone who only gives constantly, you might have a hard time identifying what kind of care you desire. Remember, you can explore what care looks like for you and then start asking for help from the people around you.

The best way through conflict is looking back at yourself and asking, in this life, what am I rebelling against?

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Are you interested in getting more embodied around conflict? Finding your purpose? Resolving your ancestral line?

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